tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-58311048713381150222012-02-01T06:32:35.740-08:00Quotent Quotables from Kevin Oeser.Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10437137216718158837noreply@blogger.comBlogger531100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5831104871338115022.post-77431648207925091582009-08-13T16:41:00.000-07:002009-08-13T16:44:48.231-07:00

Spied in real life on the back of a real person:What I should have said:1) I couldn’t help but notice how clever your clothing is. Would you care for a blowjob?2) Here is the warm Pabst you ordered without a trace of irony.3) You know, there’s a jukebox down the street that plays both Foreigner’s Greatest Hits AND their Best Of.4) I hate to be the one to tell you this, but Sinbad has laryngitis

Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10437137216718158837noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5831104871338115022.post-49468816811830049222009-08-02T20:28:00.001-07:002009-08-02T20:30:16.261-07:00

I do. And so does this bumper sticker.

Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10437137216718158837noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5831104871338115022.post-24587531298069373042009-07-28T19:28:00.001-07:002009-08-02T20:30:52.870-07:00

I took this photo some months ago while seeking bargains on waistcoats around Halloween time. Not for a costume, mind you, but because a man can't have too many waistcoats. I look at it often, thinking about all the witty things I could blog about this picture and I've finally realized that there's little I can say that you, my intelligent and informed reader, can't figure out yourself. So have

Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10437137216718158837noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5831104871338115022.post-80997373703942794742009-06-07T17:21:00.000-07:002009-06-07T17:27:12.639-07:00

I know it’s rare of me to blog about steak two blogs in a row, but fuck you. You don’t want to read my blog, have fun finding another blog on the internet.Wait… what? No, please stay. I’ll pay you.A new blog feature! It’s Restaurant Cagematch, where two dining establishments that purport to serve the same thing square off in a three round grudge match, no holds barred. Today’s epic showdown is

Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10437137216718158837noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5831104871338115022.post-54390231245494091142009-04-25T17:54:00.000-07:002009-04-25T22:39:03.820-07:00

I look forward to having children. Well, one child. A son.I should rephrase. I look forward to having a son. Well, a cool son. He should be smart, good-looking, and be able to peel the paint off a wall with well-timed putdowns. He should also appreciate a fine steak.I should rephrase. I look forward to having a son who is just like me, only with a darker skin tone and way more muscles. He should

Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10437137216718158837noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5831104871338115022.post-961380511259295652009-03-26T19:12:00.000-07:002009-03-29T23:14:47.805-07:00

I’ve had a fair amount of encounters with celebrities that people don’t often think about. I bumped into Jeff Garlin in a Las Vegas hallway once and he screamed at me but then smiled and patted my back. I’ll bet you haven’t thought about Jeff Garlin in a while. And, unless you’re some sort of fucked-up weirdo, you probably haven’t thought about Wally Amos in a while. In fact, I’ll bet cock-shots

Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10437137216718158837noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5831104871338115022.post-34344137783108070352009-02-26T00:10:00.000-08:002009-02-26T09:12:53.271-08:00

Atheists are just agnostics with a pair of testicles. I, friends, have a pair of testicles and I’m going to talk to you about Lent. To my friends out there who are religious but not Catholic, I swear you're still cool in my book.Today at the fabric store (please don’t ask; I’ve never been there before I swear) I saw two grown women with shit all over their faces. Walking around as if they didn’t

Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10437137216718158837noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5831104871338115022.post-42459932495619422862009-02-15T15:16:00.000-08:002009-05-14T01:29:05.931-07:00

Do you ever come across someone in life who is so kind and thoughtful as to make you look inward upon yourself and cry a little, cry for the scores of people you have shit on just for the pleasure of shitting? The type of person who you must assume was a Messenger sent by God Herself to drop the hint that what you’re doing with your life is inconsequential to everyone, especially the orphans?

Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10437137216718158837noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5831104871338115022.post-77546538019603386392009-01-02T17:30:00.000-08:002009-05-14T01:28:02.108-07:00

Adding the words “…The Musical!” does not make your idea a hilarious one. It just adds punctuation to a shitty title. Besides, forcing songs on a terrible story actually makes everything worse; it’s physics. You can’t write songs anyway, so stick to whatever it is before you added those two words to your title and maybe I will simply dislike your work instead of you as a person.On a related note,

Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10437137216718158837noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5831104871338115022.post-73371956926409672742008-12-17T06:21:00.000-08:002009-07-28T19:34:39.296-07:00

I hate flying. Not because I am afraid of crashing, no. As a matter of fact, I think dying on a crashed airplane will be featured in my upcoming Top Ten Ways to Go blog, along with “Heart Attack Brought on by Massive Orgasm” and “Jumping off Empire State Building While Guns N Roses’ Civil War Plays from World-Class Sound System.”I hate flying because I always sit next to douchebags. On one flight

Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10437137216718158837noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5831104871338115022.post-74543890492312544582008-12-06T01:04:00.000-08:002009-05-14T01:27:45.027-07:00

My recent trip to Japan made me think about many things. One of them is I would like to start cataloguing my favorite people. Not my friends or family, who are special to me in ways that even my own flowing prose will never describe, but those people with whom I experience the briefest of encounters, although certainly long enough to pass a judgment. I’ll kick off this new thing of mine with two

Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10437137216718158837noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5831104871338115022.post-66761444364169605062008-12-01T18:23:00.000-08:002009-04-25T18:07:56.461-07:00

Douchebags long before me have rather loudly noted that certain things, although available all over the world, taste better in their countries of origin. Stuff White People Like agrees, which makes it true. Peroni "tastes better" in Italy, Lindt chocolate "tastes better" in Switzerland, and sushi "tastes better" in Japan. The thing is, sushi really is better in Japan. And it’s more fun.On a

Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10437137216718158837noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5831104871338115022.post-29045415924389303122008-11-04T12:23:00.000-08:002008-11-04T12:35:05.302-08:00

I recently made a pilgrimage to New York City to see some old friends but, more importantly, to take in a few meals in the American capital of fine dining. It’s a well-known fact that a Quizno’s chicken carbonara is about a thousand times better in New York than LA, and I wanted to taste that fact in the flesh.HA! Lies. Anyone who eats at a chain restaurant while traveling isn’t worth the paper

Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10437137216718158837noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5831104871338115022.post-35398259100578686932008-10-31T11:11:00.001-07:002008-10-31T11:11:47.083-07:00

and it looks like this!See more funny videos at Funny or DieIt's funny, I swear. Watch it!

Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10437137216718158837noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5831104871338115022.post-53696040445963549062008-10-06T01:01:00.000-07:002008-10-06T17:04:27.231-07:00

It’s always a little depressing when I happen upon a beautiful young woman who seems like she has her shit together. Because after I get over her physical attractiveness and begin to eavesdrop on her conversation, she will invariably say something halfway intelligent and/or funny, unlike most of the beautiful women a man is fortunate enough to come upon in this fair city.“So on the way to LACMA

Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10437137216718158837noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5831104871338115022.post-87724440184789455712008-09-14T21:34:00.000-07:002008-09-14T21:35:46.534-07:00

I partook in a deliciously Angeleno thing to do the other day and ate dinner in a vegan restaurant. Now, as much as I mock the dietary peculiarity of the average white or otherwise empowered Los Angeles resident, I have a special appreciation for it as well. The standard for deliciousness and nutrition is relatively high in our fair city, and the discerning diner (i.e. MOI) is to benefit. I like

Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10437137216718158837noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5831104871338115022.post-36763459210250991262008-09-04T23:14:00.001-07:002009-07-28T19:34:14.256-07:00

This is my view from my table at the coffee shop near my house. The house that, incidentally, is now ONE FUCKING BLOCK FROM OBAMA HEADQUARTERS for all of Southern California, which if you didn't know is the second-finest major geographical region in all of California. Right on my street, right in my jogging path, right by my coffee shop where inevitably Barack must come for a meet-and-greet and a

Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10437137216718158837noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5831104871338115022.post-65015647793787741502008-08-28T19:17:00.000-07:002008-08-30T19:43:38.038-07:00

From the CNN homepage today. Always some of the most surprising, insightful reporting you can find on the internet. In other breaking news, water is wet, I'm hilarious, and CNN blows goats.Here's a real headline for you: I went all day with my boxer shorts on backwards today. I didn't discover this fact until I went into the bathroom at work and spent a solid thirty seconds fumbling for my junk

Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10437137216718158837noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5831104871338115022.post-85991947756166772932008-08-27T12:39:00.000-07:002008-08-28T18:04:51.243-07:00

I’ve recently gotten back into running. Running, for my readers who may be injured, lazy, Asian, into extreme sports shit, or have actual lives that don’t involve moving their bodies to another place for no other reason than to make their hearts stronger, used to be considered the absolute best thing you could do for your body. The miracles of modern science have since decided that running is one

Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10437137216718158837noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5831104871338115022.post-89440408748118284472008-08-25T12:18:00.000-07:002009-05-14T01:28:53.277-07:00

My childhood priest always told me it was impolite to make fun of homeless people. Something about all God’s children being deserving of proper treatment or something. Well, that priest dedicated his life to a religion which, when you really really thing about it, has less merit than Scientology. So his opinions mean little to me.Like how even in a blog about a hilarious story, I managed to sort

Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10437137216718158837noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5831104871338115022.post-85730826835953545662008-06-17T22:34:00.000-07:002008-08-28T18:04:51.245-07:00

I’m at my usual table off in the corner near the milk at the coffee shop nearest my apartment. It occurred to me today while watching a team of paramedics wheel a man away from the tables in front of the shop that this is the second time I have seen someone leave this place in an ambulance-bound wheelchair.This particular emergency situation involves a morbidly obese man who appears to be not in

Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10437137216718158837noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5831104871338115022.post-53074991642643708332008-05-05T18:15:00.001-07:002008-08-28T11:45:52.399-07:00

CINCINATTI – The home “production studio” of Oberlin college graduates David Greeley and Josh Finley would not appear to be much to an outside observer. The studio is contained within Greeley’s bedroom, although according to him “Not much sleeping goes on in the creative space.” A video camera sits on a desk next to an Apple laptop computer, and there is a shelf on the desk filled with

Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10437137216718158837noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5831104871338115022.post-49678214993662547012008-05-01T23:06:00.000-07:002008-08-28T11:45:39.604-07:00

Point: My Client Is Innocent Of And Offended By These AllegationsHello, West Goodman Franklin? May I speak with Mister Goodman, please? This is Richard Dozerman, attorney at law. Thank you. Mister Goodman, good afternoon. I have been asked by my client James Geiss to speak with you personally about the allegations made by your client Unitech Incorporated. Now, these allegations won’t hold up in

Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10437137216718158837noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5831104871338115022.post-84161952658677652482008-03-24T21:38:00.000-07:002008-08-27T12:29:00.243-07:00

Area bar patron Josh Myers is entertaining great hope that the drunk girl he probably could have banged last Thursday night at O’Shea’s Pub is there again tonight. When pushed for comment, Myers said that he would “definitely close the deal this time” if offered a second opportunity to make conversation with the girl, who will “likely” be just as drunk as Myers remembers. Myers also expressed a

Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10437137216718158837noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5831104871338115022.post-56044597918097871552008-03-11T17:06:00.001-07:002008-08-28T11:46:09.141-07:00

It might seem ridiculous to now have written four blogs about the simple act of sitting in coffee shops, but shit keeps going down here. Like major shit. Just last week, while I sat at my table on a conference call, a coffee-drinking patron had a seizure and was tended to by no less than six firefighters, a paramedic, and a police officer, who arrived in that order. The firefighters got

Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10437137216718158837noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5831104871338115022.post-45840123519133186362008-02-10T23:17:00.000-08:002008-09-01T10:28:05.144-07:00

You may notice that I am a little light on my hyberbolic excess in this blog, and you’d be correct in doing so. You see, I sustained a SERIOUS INJURY during the Super Bowl that forces me to type a little more slowly than my usual billion words per minute. The story is as follows:I had been preparing my well-admired buffalo wings for my gracious hosts and doting friends during the football game,

Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10437137216718158837noreply@blogger.com45tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5831104871338115022.post-56253851828163529722008-01-15T15:41:00.000-08:002008-08-27T12:26:54.606-07:00

NEW YORK - At a semi-formal Democratic Party dinner held here on Sunday, former President Bill Clinton had to admit that senator and presidential candidate Barack Obama (D-IL) was sounding “pretty dang good” during his four-minute address to attendees.In attendance to support his wife, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton (D-NY) in her home state, the former president sat in rapt attention

Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10437137216718158837noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5831104871338115022.post-45495833699600715032008-01-11T19:13:00.001-08:002008-08-28T11:44:05.293-07:00

Despite the fact that you’re just trying to do your goddamn job keeping the scum off the streets, a noted dipshit in the Brooklyn area demands to know your badge number. The complete jerkoff made his controversial demand while, in the line of fucking duty, you messed up his pretty little white suit in the alley behind the titty bar on West 57th. Sources quoted the nutless fucktard, as he picked

Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10437137216718158837noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5831104871338115022.post-56153478606120709232008-01-09T00:14:00.000-08:002008-08-27T15:16:24.896-07:00

MILWAUKEE – In a move sure to send shock waves through the United States economy, aligned members of the Union of Smelting Professionals (USP) have voted unanimously to go on strike when their contract with the Metal Product Producers’ Association (MPPA) expires at midnight tonight, unless the MPPA can provide fair terms for residual payment for recycled metals.USP national spokesman Ron Chambers

Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10437137216718158837noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5831104871338115022.post-76907790993677640592007-12-22T18:35:00.000-08:002008-08-28T18:04:51.247-07:00

It’s always a delicate business popping a zit in a public bathroom. It’s a task that requires as much tact as it does manual dexterity. But it’s one of those things that, like shitting, has to happen somewhere or another. Better to do it in the sanitary confines of a regularly maintained restroom than, say, your car at a stop sign, right?WRONG.I was in a Wendy’s the other night for some fucking

Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10437137216718158837noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5831104871338115022.post-63318529635159972502007-12-13T16:31:00.000-08:002008-08-28T11:46:26.116-07:00

By now you know that the Writers Guild of America has been on strike. Something about not getting paid enough to put words in the mouths of Neanderthal pretty boys who sucked the right dick and are now on the list at Hyde. What you may not know is that these writers are STILL on strike. Now before you condemn these brave men and women as a bunch of laptop-toting jokesmiths with little better to

Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10437137216718158837noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5831104871338115022.post-36905835791491654422007-12-09T05:29:00.000-08:002008-08-27T12:30:47.410-07:00

BY "SUPER THAI" Dear Thai Menu,My boyfriend is constantly criticizing my weight. I try very hard to keep in shape but it seems like he expects me to eat a single meal a day and work out six times a week to look like some sort of runway model. Should I do as he asks, or maybe suggest that he put down the beer and hop on a treadmill himself?

Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10437137216718158837noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5831104871338115022.post-10560370722516905992007-11-18T23:06:00.000-08:002008-08-27T12:29:50.408-07:00

Stop. Just stop it, right now. Your smooth talk and good looks won’t help you now. Because you had me at dicing, you handsome devil.It was the day we met. Your sleek body was shrouded in equal parts briefcase and mystery. But I knew, knew deep in my heart, that something amazing was about to enter my life.And how.Although I didn’t approve of the young man who first escorted you into my home, the

Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10437137216718158837noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5831104871338115022.post-42603812523479946582007-10-29T22:20:00.000-07:002008-08-28T11:46:39.959-07:00

Sometimes all the elements required to make something happen fall into place. The most intense possible materials and the most intense possible catalyst meet in the most intense possible environment, creating the most insane possible result. We call this… The Perfect Storm.First, the environment. They say that New York City is more conducive to creativity than any other place in the world,

Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10437137216718158837noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5831104871338115022.post-41683604846790999152007-10-07T23:39:00.000-07:002008-09-01T10:29:44.391-07:00

More on creating the perfect get-together at your home or place of business…Sometimes even with the finest burgers and hot dogs in the world and an entire platoon of gay strippers, a gathering needs a little spice. And that can only come in one form; succulent, high-protein shreds of pork so tender they can be ingested through a straw. But straws are for bitches and we’re going to turn these into

Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10437137216718158837noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5831104871338115022.post-69175073275478329092007-10-02T17:45:00.000-07:002008-08-27T15:17:35.819-07:00

By JEFFREY HIGGINBOTTOM, a gentleman of 42.Dear Mr. Higginbottom,My husband and I have been married for three years. We don’t use our garage for our cars, so he has set up a couch and a television in there. I was okay with it until he started spending every single Sunday out there with his friends, watching football! There’s a perfectly good TV in the house where he can be with his friends and

Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10437137216718158837noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5831104871338115022.post-34925896420061409592007-09-18T12:11:00.000-07:002008-08-27T15:17:50.110-07:00

I’m sorry to write about something that I found online, but this is just the best news article ever. I’ll give you a few moments to read it and then I will explain why it is indeed the highest peak journalism has yet to scale. Basically, this is a blog entry.First off, the place it came from. Durant, Oklahoma. Ever been to Durant? No? Liar. If you’re not even known enough for being a city that

Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10437137216718158837noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5831104871338115022.post-19487564899716703332007-09-08T22:18:00.000-07:002008-08-28T11:46:52.410-07:00

I saw a funny headline on the E! news ticker at the coffee shop the other day. It was something about the Spears-Federline divorce proceedings, saying something about how K-Fed wants fifty grand for something or other and his lawyer, citing Britney’s $750,000 monthly income, says that the fifty large is pocket change for Spears. The quote that made me smile was that “Federline’s lawyer declined

Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10437137216718158837noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5831104871338115022.post-42610395198424135252007-09-02T20:36:00.000-07:002008-08-27T12:29:28.613-07:00

NEW YORK - In a first for the 84-year old magazine, Time’s fabled “Person of the Year” award has been retracted from its most recent recipient, “You.” Marked by an iconic issue with a picture of a computer with a mirrored screen on its cover, the award was intended as a recognition of the world’s revolutionary use of the internet as a means of personal expression. The explosion of websites such

Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10437137216718158837noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5831104871338115022.post-61869427760376061602007-08-21T11:10:00.001-07:002008-09-14T22:16:08.801-07:00

I'm not a movie review man, but when I see something I dig I like to tell people about it.The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters is possibly the finest documentary film I have ever seen. It follows what I’ve always considered to be the formula for great documentary film, and that is to find a bunch of fucked up wackos and let them tell their own stories. Throw in some highly skilled but honest

Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10437137216718158837noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5831104871338115022.post-27097051742788325302007-08-17T17:08:00.000-07:002008-08-27T12:38:45.929-07:00

If you’re like me, you spend most of your time reading Wikipedia, the MMPoG of Mad Libs that has taken the world by storm. Food for your nationalistic brain: The English Wikipedia contains almost two million entries, trailed distantly by the French version at about 500,000. There are just under 7 in Chinese.It seems that just about everyone has a Wikipedia entry these days, from my old friend and

Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10437137216718158837noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5831104871338115022.post-88564485396054822242007-08-14T22:06:00.000-07:002008-08-28T18:04:51.249-07:00

Most people, and I discount the wealthy, the lazy, and the incompetent from this statement, have worked at some place for more than a few months. Working somewhere is like having a family; no matter how ordinary your co-workers are, you will inevitably learn enough about them to qualify them as “wacky.” Everyone has hilarious quirks that only take time to discover.I am thinking today of the

Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10437137216718158837noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5831104871338115022.post-61542557285404181882007-08-09T12:49:00.000-07:002008-08-27T12:28:12.379-07:00

Nothing in the world is more devastating for us men than showing up at a “barbecue” and discovering that your host has prepared nothing but hamburgers made from frozen patties, topped with an individually wrapped slice of Velveeta and washed down with a room-temperature Corona. You struggle through the party because there are some big bottomed girls talking baseball and you can’t pass it up, but

Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10437137216718158837noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5831104871338115022.post-9382462243798501662007-08-07T18:22:00.000-07:002008-08-28T18:04:51.251-07:00

The strangest people come up to you when you’re blogging in coffee shops, as if they can sense that your rapidly typing fingers are creating words destined for free publication on the internet. One time a woman I assumed to be African (it might have been her brilliantly colored clothes, or the sense of centuries of struggle in her eyes, or it might have been the accent) came up to me and asked if

Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10437137216718158837noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5831104871338115022.post-67558515277543004762007-08-03T10:31:00.000-07:002008-08-28T18:04:51.252-07:00

Sometimes, finding that one perfect hard-to-find gift for your special lady friend can be worth far more than what it cost. It becomes a get out of jail free card, good for the next time you come home with lipstick on your collar or poop on your johnson. It can be better-received than five thousand roses being presented by her long lost sister who rides in on a float made of the skulls of her

Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10437137216718158837noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5831104871338115022.post-48852837726176056992007-07-30T22:01:00.000-07:002008-08-27T15:18:33.476-07:00

If you've been paying attention to this blog, you should know that I love The Onion like a son. As in, far more than I could ever love a daughter. On occasion, I find it amusing to... what is the nice word for this act... plagiarize this fine publication's entirely original ideas. So what follows is just that. I wrote the below entry but the concept belongs to the Onion. Consider it a tribute to

Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10437137216718158837noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5831104871338115022.post-6156090224703311432007-07-29T17:57:00.001-07:002008-08-28T11:47:36.082-07:00

If you’re like me, your favorite things in the whole world are writing blogs and reading blogs. If you’re a real person and not a figment of the blogosphere, however, you dig food and having sex after eating. Read below for a simple way to get there without spending a lot of time or money. I’m going to tell you, in trained-monkey terms, how to make a killer fresh roasted red pepper aioli.First,

Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10437137216718158837noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5831104871338115022.post-86056231694189182922007-07-24T19:04:00.000-07:002008-08-27T15:19:59.285-07:00

In response to one of the better arts and culture blogs around, a blog which is coincidentally linked to the best humor publication in the world (see link to the right), I have compiled a LIST. I think that the right to read and write lists ranking things should be the twenty-ninth amendment. Or whatever amendment we’re up to. Put this one near the slavery one. These are subjective, of course,

Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10437137216718158837noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5831104871338115022.post-56466418558336942007-07-20T18:12:00.000-07:002008-08-28T18:04:51.253-07:00

Ah… San Francisco.We Californians, we Voters of Kerry, we Eaters of Sushi, we Fuckers of Naïve Production Assistants, we have the advantage over the rest of the world in that we live near one of the finest urban centers in the world. San Francisco, The City to its overconfident and wealthy inhabitants who think that parking on hills is a test of manhood. It’s a town synonymous with culture,

Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10437137216718158837noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5831104871338115022.post-41460598863742373932007-07-16T14:13:00.000-07:002008-08-28T18:04:51.254-07:00

There are a few things at which I have been trying to succeed for a few years now. One of them is life. The other one is blowing smoke rings.The other night I suceeded in one of those two goals. Guess! By the hand of Zeus, I blew a goddamn motherfucking smoke ring a couple nights ago. A couple of them, actually. One really good one. The feeling of pursing my lips as if I am about to part them

Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10437137216718158837noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5831104871338115022.post-5874465722244262002007-07-15T22:43:00.000-07:002008-08-27T15:20:44.599-07:00

I was surprised this evening to find that a Google search for the phrase "Michael Bay is a raging fucktard" yielded ten pages of results. To put it in perspective, Googling “Kevin Oeser” yields around five pages. Not bad for a word I thought I made up.This is not a movie review blog, but I would like to share some things I learned from watching the movie “Transformers” today.1) Fighter planes

Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10437137216718158837noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5831104871338115022.post-55410544490270527842007-07-11T10:09:00.000-07:002008-08-27T15:19:37.638-07:00

You might not know it to look at me, but I am a whiskey snob. Come to think of it, it’s unlikely that even those who have known me for years will think of me as a whiskey snob, but alas, I am. But you will not find my house full of bottles and barrels and pictures of windy cliffs and rustic stills. I couldn’t tell you what “mash” means. I don’t know the functional difference between whiskey and

Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10437137216718158837noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5831104871338115022.post-39939704240151481652007-07-04T01:57:00.000-07:002008-08-28T11:47:13.356-07:00

!!!!!!!!!!For a professional technician, I am a late adopter of technology. Now I promised myself that one day I would kowtow to the demands of the internet and use my macbook pro for uses other than evil. So I am starting a blog. I am no longer ashamed of the fact that I am starting a blog, as I have been for literally several years. The down side to this particular entry is that while I am not

Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10437137216718158837noreply@blogger.com3