Sunday, June 7, 2009

Restaurant Cagematch, Episode 1: The Giants of Steak

I know it’s rare of me to blog about steak two blogs in a row, but fuck you. You don’t want to read my blog, have fun finding another blog on the internet.

Wait… what? No, please stay. I’ll pay you.

A new blog feature! It’s Restaurant Cagematch, where two dining establishments that purport to serve the same thing square off in a three round grudge match, no holds barred. Today’s epic showdown is between those two world-famous harbingers of epic slabs of beef… Wolfgang Puck’s Cut Steakhouse and Amalgamated Edible Products, LLC’s Outback Steakhouse. Boom!

ROUND 1: Service


It’s a close one in this category; upon arrival at Cut, the average patron must go through a credit check before being seated. Although obtaining a false credit rating is easier than ordering a steak these days, know before you go.

Whereas at Outback, customers are treated as if guests in the staff’s home. Unwanted guests, sure, but guests nonetheless. Expect to get a table that is clean. When I went, I enjoyed the services of not one but TWO waiters, neither of whom knew about the other. After placing two drink orders, I mentioned the anomaly to Chris, the older of the two.

“I think there’s another guy who thinks this is his table, too.”
“Well, it’s not. It’s mine.”
“That’s all well and good, but maybe you should tell the other guy.”
“Who was it? Whoever it was, he’s wrong. This is definitely my table.”
“He’s bald and wore a green shirt. Not like your red shirt.”
“Are you sure he thinks he’s your server
?”
“He told us he was our server.”
“I don’t believe this.”


And…. It’s Cut by a nose. Rack it up to the extreme physical attractiveness of the wait staff and their fetishistic explanation of the various cuts of beef they serve as they literally show you raw meat at your table. Although the homestyle insistence that I remove the cap from my own beer was a nice touch at Outback.

ROUND 2: Appetizers


No surprise, but Outback is the clear winner here over the creamy polenta at Cut. Instead of describing the act of eating the signature app, I will recant the story of its invention in screenplay form:

ROUND 3: STEAK

Ah, the lightning round. Again, a tough comparison that merits backstory. For the price of a 6-ounce Kobe steak at Cut without sides, drinks, or tip, you could treat four people to a full meal with beer at Outback. But wait, I have one more fact for you.

My first bite of the Cut filet was the absolute best piece of food I have ever had.

But here comes Outback with a surprise move from the backfield… their sliced pepper steak with brandy cream sauce slathered over thick-ass Aussie fries hits the mothafuckin spot. Particularly if that spot is encased in eight inches of solid old-fashioned homegrown American Gut. Ideally top-coated with a t-shirt with wolves on it.

But… that Cut filet still calls for further analysis. Imagine the best beef you’ve ever had. It’s moist and tender, not chewy in the slightest but it doesn't just fall apart like, say, sushi. It’s beef and it’s proud of it… it speaks to you while in your mouth “I may be a fine piece of food, fit for dainty queens and duchesses, but I am Beef and I am bold.” Anyway, imagine that flavor, that dense char and pure animal goodness, and multiply it by a billion. Imagine it hitting your tongue first, then spreading over the rest of your mouth and soon your entire body, turning you into such a grinning idiot that when the boy comes by to refill your water he looks at you smugly as if to say “I knew it.” Multiply the experience sixteen times and boom, you just ate at Cut.

And in a close decision, Cut edges out Outback by just a hair. Kind of like the way Patrick Swayze edged out Chris Farley at the Chippendale’s audition.

Bye!

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Uhh..next time compare steakhouses that are comparable. You sir are a weirdo. But that's why I like ya.

victoria said...

The Farley/Swayze comparison is my favorite part.

Thalius said...

This really made me laugh. The Bloomin' Onion scientists toast is a nice touch.