Hey Guys, You Wanna Get High? Then Smudge this Shit on your Forehead!

Atheists are just agnostics with a pair of testicles. I, friends, have a pair of testicles and I’m going to talk to you about Lent. To my friends out there who are religious but not Catholic, I swear you're still cool in my book.

Today at the fabric store (please don’t ask; I’ve never been there before I swear) I saw two grown women with shit all over their faces. Walking around as if they didn’t know it was there. In my heart, I thought “Oh… how sad. Two mentally handicapped women who don’t know there is shit on their faces.” I almost reached out to wipe them off with some spit and a tissue but then remembered. Wednesday.... springtime... Mardi Gras yesterday... smell of piety in the air... It must be Lent again. Now I know a thing or two about this custom, quite possibly the most ridiculous Catholic practice of them all (and there is a HUGE amount of competition there). I went to a Catholic school as a boy and recall AT THE AGE OF SIX thinking it was pretty damn stupid. I would give up shit like television for forty days. I wonder how much closer I am to salvation.

Come to think of it (I haven’t since then), giving up TV was the hardest thing in the world for a young boy without athletic or social skills of any kind. I suffered greatly during Lent. I heard a woman on NPR this morning talking about how for Lent she is not going to drive her car anywhere under a mile from her house. She’s planning her grocery trips to only occur on Sundays so she drives less.

Welcome to Heaven, broad, because Jesus himself would shit all over his wounds to let you in. Come on, you’re going to give up for Lent what everyone in the world gave up permanently two years ago when they saw An Inconvenient Truth? Although I suppose if God gives a shit what we think of him at all, he would naturally demand that Erica Morrison of Dearborn walk her fat ass down to Starbucks to get a latte that some kid who sleeps in a metal shack in Costa Rica worked to cultivate for forty days out of her miserable existence. Makes perfect sense when you think about it. Or, that is to say, IF YOU DON’T THINK ABOUT IT AT ALL.

But, I am a blogger, and as such I will allow my fellow-baptized foaming-at-the-mouth brethren to continue with their forehead-smudging ways. I will give up giving a flying fuck about these people, and I won’t even stop with Lent.

Hear a whole list of laughable attempts to curry favor with the heavens on what is otherwise a very informative website:

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=101144638